November 5 to 8, 2011
Early on Saturday Gabriela made a decision. She was willing to “self-admit” to a local behavioral hospital, Vista Del Mar. I had spoken with Pat in admitting so frequently over the last few weeks that we had developed a friendly relationship, she knew my name, and remembered my daughter’s story; and that I had been trying with no success to get help for months for Gabriela.
I asked Pat if it was possible for Gabriela self-admit into their acute ward. After talking with Gabriela, Pat concluded that Gabriela could be admitted. I should bring her up to the hospital at one o’clock.
I texted a friend who lived very close to the hospital and asked if I could stop by after I admitted my daughter … ”Absolutely.”
When we arrived at Vista Del Mar, I could sense Gabriela’s uneasiness. We spoke with admitting together then Gabriela spoke with Pat alone. At the end of that conversation Pat called me back into the room where Gabriela and I waited for the charge nurse to take her to the acute ward.
The charge nurse was a nice enough lady of approximately 55; she sat cross legged and hunched over, her droopy face and slow drawn voice reminded me of Ichabod Crane.
She explained what would be happening while Gabriela was at the hospital in her slow speed, unintentionally comical way. I could see Gabriela’s panic grow with the nurses’ careful delivery of each word.
Finally Gabriela said “Well, I’m good, I just wanted to see what the place was like. I don’t need to be here.” She paused, forced a nervous smile, then put her purse in her lap and looked at me. “Mom, let’s go.”
I calmly said, “No.”
Gabriela and I both knew she really needed help, I wasn’t going to mess this up, she was here, help was here … they were going to take her, and I hadn’t found any alternatives.
What I didn’t remember until we were there was that because she had asked for help, if she didn’t have what the hospital considered “a good, safe plan” after her discharge, she wouldn’t be allowed to leave.
I told her it would be okay, the hospital was going to observe her overnight; they would keep a very close eye on her. The next day they would decide which ward she would be in, but for tonight she would be on the “B” ward – acute.
I told her good bye and left the hospital.
I arrived at my friend’s house a five minute drive from Vista Del Mar. She opened the door, handed me a glass of wine, then lead me to a fruit and cheese plate, and the best bowl of soup I think I have ever had. We had been talking for only a few minutes when my phone rang, it was Gabriela.
“You need to come get me, I don’t belong here.”
I tried to talk her into staying for the night, but she said there were “freaks” in there and she was afraid of them!
I asked to speak with the charge nurse.
“Is it a good fit for my daughter?” I asked. Her answer was “No.”
I drove back up to get Gabriela.
The following day, Gabriela was going to spend time with her father, Cody, and his girlfriend, Kiki. They planned on seeing Kiki’s horses. Even though Gabriela didn’t ride she loved horses and their quiet gentleness.
They called a few times while they were gone just to let me know how things were going. The cell reception where they were was spotty and they all knew I would worry. The outing lasted for hours.
When they got back, they all talked about how much fun they had and that they had decided to spend about half of the next day together so I could work. Work? What an odd thought, it had been so long since I did that?
The following day Cody hadn’t shown up by 12. I called his cell phone but got no reply. Finally by one o’clock he and Kiki arrived. I was dressed for work but as Cody exited the door with Gabriela and Kiki he said over his shoulder, “We’ll be back in about an hour. “
”What!?” I protested, “You said you would be spending about half a day together! I can’t even drive to work in one hour. I am our only income, I need to work!”
His girlfriend, looked at him, “It’s okay, she can come with us.”
Thank God, that was resolved. Off they went and so did I.
I got a few essentials done at work. More than anything, I had a break for a few hours. When Gabriela returned home that evening about dinner time she was quiet and tired. She slept early.
Tuesday was a day I will always remember. In a sea of days of mania, hallucinations, delusions, holds, hospitals, and obsessive rumination Tuesday was different, it was a great day; it was a day that Gabriela was clear as a bell, not for a part of the day, but for the whole day.
We spent that entire day together, both of us enjoying every minute, every conversation, everything!
As night rolled in Gabriela knew she would not be able to sleep. I made hot coco for her, filled a warm bath, and gave her calcium magnesium pills, gave her a massage, she meditated … I tried anything and everything I could think of that might cause her to relax and fall asleep. Nothing worked, by morning she was quiet, tired, isolated.
There were plans in the morning to go to the horses with Kiki again just the two of them this time. Gabriela and I met Kiki at a restaurant in town. I remember asking where the horses were but was only half listening. I was worried about my daughter she hadn’t had much sleep which I was hoping was the reason she was so quiet.
The two of them left and about two hours later I tried to call but there was no reception.
I remember everything Kiki had told me about where her horses were boarded. I looked on Google using all the information I had. Sure enough, I found a ranch that I thought was the best fit and drove out.
I made two turns around the grounds before I spotted them in Kiki’s car. Kiki got out and I asked how Gabriela was doing?
“Fine, quiet” she said, with a shrug.
I went around to the passenger’s side and helped Gabriela out, she was not fine. Gabriela was off in her own world. I put her into my car and we drove home.
Gabriela and I worked together that afternoon on staying present. We had purchased several games that required the players to stay engaged. Card games like ‘Uno”, “Skippo”, and “Clue”, also some fact games ” Fact or Crap”, and a movie trivia game. We had played these each evening and sometimes during the day. They helped Gabriela stay in our world.
That evening the games weren’t enough. Gabriela asked me to help her. She was hearing voices and ruminating almost all the time.
I had an idea. She was always better around people; I called my mom and asked if we could come for a visit? “It’s not convenient” was the response.
“Okay, Gabriela, let’s go to my gym! You and I can ride one of the bikes, there are plenty of people there, and it will help get you tired so you can sleep.”
She also thought it might work but the look on her face was worried.
During the car ride, we sang a song to help her stay focused … “99 Bottles of Beer” … it made her to keep track of the numbers. It was the best idea I could come up with. We drove for 20 minutes singing together, “99 bottles of beer on the wall, 99 bottles of beer, take one down pass it around, 98 bottles of beer.” Whenever she stopped I would encourage her to chime in.
We only spent ten minutes or so at the gym before we knew it wasn’t working. We drove back home.
Finally in the early hours of the morning Gabriela lay asleep next to me in bed. I watched her knowing how much she deserved the short rest.
She looked so peaceful, I covered her with the pale pink and blue quilt she had since she was in grade school and softly slipped out of bed.
There would only be a few hours before she would be awake. I had to get ready and it had to be convincing. This time she needed to go into the ER at Huntington, there was no way I was going to let us be turned away again.